February Submission

by Heidi Ciriello

Usually... your hot, sticky little hand reaches out and searches around. Finding me, you breath out deeply and snuggle in closer. 

I’ve responded to every cry since the moment you were born, held you through long, exhausting nights. Becoming your Mama broke me open. It shattered me into a million tiny pieces, and then, built me into something different, something new. 

I’m learning to accept this life of dual emotions, to simultaneously hold two, deep, true feelings. It often feels like; “This is the most beautiful, amazing thing ever!” And also… “I’m not sure I can bear another moment”.

Lately you’ve been looking bigger, wanting to do things yourself. The long, long, long sleepless nights of waking every hour are getting fewer. Tonight, you lay down in bed, found your bear and fell asleep without me. A sense of relief flooded me, at the same time, tears filled my eyes as I realised you didn’t need me. 

I’m here to remember this moment. To treasure you always and to love you deeply right now for the little boy you were, the one you are right now and the one you are becoming.