35 Things I Know

On friendships, books, and the anxious Google death spiral in honour of my 35th birthday.

Hey friend,

I’m baaaaaaack from maternity leave from my not-a-job newsletter gig. I had fun finding writers to give beautiful words to you, but I’m so excited to be back in your inbox!

I saw this fun prompt in Laura Wifler’s newsletter. I’ve learned so much in my thirties. So, in honour of my 35th birthday and rounding out my guest essay series on friendship, here are 35 things I know about life, friendship, and the anxious Google death spiral.

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

1. I know that no one is giving out awards for your Goodreads Reading List. Quit a book you hate. Even if it’s won the Man Booker Prize.

2. I know that 95% of the time, you can get a better answer to your anxious Google death spiral by asking an IRL person. Sometimes, you need to part with actual dollars to speak to someone with actual qualifications who gives advice based on your actual circumstances. There are no shortcuts (even peachymama20457’s hot take from 2014).

3. I know that the best way to keep your house clean is to invite people over regularly. 

4. I know that it is worth investing time, money, and energy into your friendships. It is worth prioritising connection. It will be awkward and it will bring joy to your days. Go to the party, go to the funeral, put dates in your calendars for birthdays, anniversaries, the anniversary of their miscarriage or Dad’s passing. Check in about the job interview, the doctor’s appointment, or the awkward conversation they had with their Mum. Google Calendar email reminders are God’s gift to well-intentioned but forgetful people. Connection can’t be delivered to your door. Everyone suffers, but the worst kind of suffering is the suffering that is alone. Show up. 

5. I know that the best way to see your friends is to have something recurring in the calendar. We run a fortnightly family bible study with some friends. A bunch of families get together. There is teaching for the kids, everyone brings a dish, and then an adult bible study while the kids watch a movie. If someone has to miss it, no big deal, there are enough of us for it to go ahead. But there is something special about eating dinner with adults that you did not have to move mountains to arrange. 

6. I know that voice texting through WhatsApp WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. It brings depth that texting just can’t. When you’re a mother of small children, conversations with friends are constantly interrupted. Think of voice texts as deposits into the bank account of your friendships while you do school run or cook dinner or hang laundry. 

7. I know that not every friendship is one bestie to rule them all and in the darkness bind them. Some friends are just for a season and that does not make them any less beautiful. Hold them with an open hand. Show up. Relish them while you have them, be sad when they leave, and rejoice that you had them. Then open your eyes to who God has put in your life today. If not one friend has to meet all your needs, then you can just enjoy your work friend who you grab toasties with, or the friend you banter with about books, or the friend you cackle with on the sidelines of kids sport.  

8. I know that when a friend is in a hard season, you don’t say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” Suggest a task you can do and a time. Spare them the mental load of coming up with a job. Like, “I’d love to bring you guys a meal on Friday, is there anything you don’t eat?” Food won’t fix everything, nothing can, but it does let them know they’re not alone (see No. 4). 

9. I know that when you are looking around for someone to help in your ministry, you should tell them what you need, how long for, and why you think they would be good at it. You should also give them a very, very easy way to say no. Guilt is not a good foundation for cheerful ministry. 

10. I know that it is worth the time and energy to train your children to say: please, thank you, yes Mum (after any instruction), I’m sorry, and I forgive you. 

11. I know that I do not have to turn up to every fight my child wants to start. Some fights are worth having and some lines need to be held. But a lot of them do not. 

12. I know that when you’re in a season of frequent clashes with a child on one issue, it’s worth looking around for something proactive and positive you can do. You can either spend your energy at the front end of the conflict finding some small wins, or at the back end with discipline. There is no option that involves kicking back on the couch.

13. I know that when a friend offers help, say yes. Even when it makes you feel a squirmy kind of guilty. I once heard Ashlee Gadd say, “Saying no to your friend’s offer of help is saying no to depth in your friendship.” I’ve thought of this approximately one million times since then. Even better, after you say, “Yes,” to help, it gives your friend permission to say, “Yes,” when you offer to help them. We were designed for interdependence. No one can be the strong one all the time.

14. I know that a hobby of mine, when distressed about something right now that I can’t fix, is to take problems from the future, unroll them, and fuss over money and schedules I don’t have yet. My husband has asked me many times, “Do we need to make this decision today?” I’m surprised how often the answer is, “No.”

15. I know that my perspective can shift significantly in 45 minutes. It’s enough time to take a walk, or have a cup of tea, or cry, or nap, or write in my journal. It’s easy to feel like something needs to be done right now but sometimes you just need to take a beat. 

16. I know that there are no unicorn choices. Every “Yes,” is a “No,” somewhere else. Saying “Yes,” to one thing is also saying “Yes,” to a set of problems. No one can have it all. 

17. I know that even if you do not like that something has changed, you can accept it. Acceptance does not equal agreeing. 

18. I know that forgiveness means that you’re refusing to hold onto a hurt anymore or demand payment. Give it to God. He is strong enough to hold it. You’re not. 

19. I know that sometimes, the wisest choice is to not say anything. 

20. I know that other times, it is easy to tell yourself that you are being kind to not raise a problem. But, if you’re not okay with what happened and you say you are, you are lying. That lie can plant seeds of bitterness and resentment that are hard to dig out of your soul. Say the thing. Be awkward. Don’t allow bitterness to strangle you, just so you can bow down at the altar of nice.

21. I know that there are sometimes two ways of looking at a situation. Option A assumes the worst of someone’s intentions. Option B assumes that they did not hurt you on purpose. Option A might be true, but it’s better for your heart and your relationships to assume Option B. 

22. I know that patient, gentle, and joyful little old ladies don’t just happen. They’re a cumulation of a thousand small choices over a lifetime. A bitter old woman is a terrible thing to see and would be as easy as rolling down a hill. Fight for joy. 

23. I know that it is worth investing in a hobby or doing the things that make you feel most like yourself. This is not a side hustle or even something “productive.” Time after time, I’ve had the privilege of seeing people get well after mental health crises. A clue that they are starting to get better are simple acts of creativity like cooking, knitting, or getting outside. Beauty is worth putting on the calendar. You are not a machine. Productivity is not the end goal of your life. 

24. I know that reducing life to who is the most productive is a fast track to evil. God made everyone in His image and so everyone has value. He loves unborn babies, children, old people, and people with disabilities. 

25. I know that it is kinder to ask, “What things make up your week?” rather than, “What do you do for work?” 

26. I know that if you’re nervous, the best thing to do is ask other people open-ended questions. Everyone knows something you don’t. Give the other person an opportunity to shine. A good place to start is, “What do you do for fun?”

27. I know that you need to schedule in things that bring you joy or take care of yourself. The word “scheduling,” is decidedly unsexy, but seeing things like a quiet hour at the pool, camping on a long weekend, or a catch-up with a friend splashed in a bright happy yellow across your calendar can make such a difference to your mood. It also helps to pinpoint the corresponding dip when there is no yellow. 

28. I know that it is worth investing time in rhythms that reduce your sense of overwhelm. I don’t know about you, but for me, Overwhelmed Mum is a fast track to Angry Mum. See: meal planning, a loose capsule wardrobe, and rotating toys. 

29. I know that my wardrobe benefits from some forethought. Sit down and work out what colours and styles suit your body. Slowly cull things that don’t suit you. Eventually your whole wardrobe will be things that match with each other. It makes buying clothes and getting dressed a breeze. 

30. I know that you can reserve books at the library and it is LIFE CHANGING. 

31. I know that my husband is not a mind reader. Sometimes, I assume my husband will say “No,” so I say his, “No,” for him, and don’t ask. This isn’t fair. Ask for what you need. I’m surprised how often he is happy to give me what I want.

32. I know that whatever the problem is, the first, best step is to pray about it. And if you’re not praying about it, that’s a clue about what is going on in your heart. So confess that to God, tell him you know about it now. He knows.

33. I know that you should pray right then and there with someone rather than adding it to a vague mental to-do list. Spare Future You the guilt when you realise that, inevitably, you forgot. Similarly, when friends who are not Christians receive bad news ask, “Can I pray for you?” (Like, right now). I’m surprised by the sheer amount of people who say, “Yes.” Embrace the awkward and ask. 

34. I know that it costs me nothing to say, “I’m sorry that happened to you. That really sucks,” or “You’re angry. That makes sense.” Sure, sometimes advice is warranted. But empathy has to be the first step. Think of a piece of music—it has rests and pauses. So, breathe in, take a beat, and sit in the uncomfortable, “This is hard,” with them. Advice feels like criticism if you don’t listen first. If you want to nerd out, there is a whole bunch of science around mirror neurons and naming emotions and the amygdala. But it just works with everyone from toddlers upwards. 

35. I know that hiding creative work might shelter you from criticism, but it also steals the joy of sharing. Vulnerability begets connection—and connection is worth the risk.

Tell me in the comments (or hit reply to this email)

1. What is something you know about friendship?

2. What is something you know about community?

3. What is something you know about hospitality?

4. What is something you know about taking care of yourself?

Looking forward to hearing about what you guys are learning. If I get enough responses, I could turn it into a follow-up, crowd-sourced post 😉

PS. My article, “Don’t Worry About Conversations with Your Muslim Friend,” was published by The Gospel Coalition Australia the other week. It’s about gospel conversations with my Muslim neighbours. This brings my grand total of published articles up to two 😂 but it was fun! Love to hear your thoughts.